I wrote this article more than a year ago for an excellent online journal that is now on hiatus.  Nevertheless, the message is still one I need to remember, maybe you do too.  

More times than I can count I have heard someone trying to motivate people to be great, pose the following question:  "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"
Each time I've pondered my response I have tried desperately to fill the answer with "totally awesome wedding photographer and creative entrepreneur."  I will try to visualize myself with a worldwide brand and a new found love for kale and the six-pack abs that obviously follow my unfettered success.  But try as I might, that is not the answer I can truly give.  Because that question, the question of never failing is ultimately a selfish question.   The idea of guaranteed success rarely brings out the piety in people, myself included.

What would I do if I knew I could not fail?  Probably invest in the stock market or play the lottery.  I would audition to be the next Elphaba in the Broadway production of Wicked.  I would call up Christian Louboutin and ask him for a custom collection of shoes.   All the while reminding myself that it is I who would not fail, most likely giving way to distrust and dissatisfaction with the trial and error filled  reality of those around me.

I wish I could say my faith or my family or my small town upbringing would keep me free from the selfishness that unhindered greatness brings, but if I'm honest, I know it wouldn't.

I think the better question is: "What are you passionate enough about to stay the course despite the guarantee you will fail and fail and fail and fail?"  I know, it's a longer question, but it's a necessary one.  We don't live in a world where simple questions always yield spectacularly clairvoyant answers, the simple things that render our hearts and minds as one cohesive unit with a common vision and simultaneous 5-step plan of action.   We live in a world where simple questions like "Who am I?", and "Where am I going?" often leave us stymied, unable to shake the million questions that follow them so we stay put, neither growing nor dying, but stagnant and shame-filled.

So when the question is no longer dependent on my ability to be super-human the answers come faster.  I am passionate enough about my family, about my marriage, about being a parent, my friends, my photos and my writing.

The more and more I went over that list, and I did for about seven days, I couldn't help but feel something was missing.  And sitting with my husband a few nights ago, after the world had completely overwhelmed me, the answer came after a full-blown panic attack.  After nearly ten minutes of feeling like my heart was going to explode and that I'd never breathe normally again amidst the whirlwind of irrational thoughts and fears I realized I needed to be that passionate about one more thing: me.

I was raised to always put myself last, the courageous and beautifully strong women in my life didn't grow up with a language for self-care.  They were selfless and sacrificial far into their own detriment and I was under the impression that if I wasn't frazzled inside and fabulous outside I wasn't doing it right.  But, in my years since leaving my hometown I have met many wise people who didn't simply tell me I didn't need to "do it all."  They modeled what it looked like to say no, to value themselves and gave me permission to do the same.
Granted, having a panic attack a few nights ago doesn't speak well for my ability to hone these skills but it did remind me that having passion about myself, who I am and who I am becoming is not selfish but necessary.  Without it, I cannot give zeal into the things that surround me without settling for facades of success and half-present relationships.

I don't have five perfect steps to excellent self-care, I don't believe there is a formula for everyone but I know this:  Before you or I can pour our hearts into creating and cultivating meaningful art, business or relationships we must first have a steady and renewing source of fervor for ourselves.  It's not selfish, it's not conceited, it doesn't detract from our focus on others, it is a centering sort of passion.  The kind of rootedness that allows a tree to sway wildly and beautifully in the wind and remain strong.

So what are you passionate enough about to fail time and again and still get up each time?  I hope your first answer is yourself.

If you missed Part One, start there, trust me.

So after Garrett & Rachel said their I dos and the walk back down the aisle, the party began.  It wasn't a party that needed fancy light shows or a nine piece brass band, it was exactly the kind of party you would want to have with the people you love most.  There was good food, great laughs and lots and lots of dancing.  It was one of those parties that left even the youngest attendees wanting just one more song, not because they weren't tired but because they love these people.

As the night wore on and it came time for the grand sparkler exit, a huge majority of the wedding guests were still there.  I think that speaks highly to the kind of people Rachel & Garrett surround themselves with.  They are people who enjoy not only being there for the couple but also for all the people who made that couple's story possible.  New friendships were forged and longtime kinships were given time to reconnect across tables instead of across internet connections.  There were good stories and funny anecdotes and of course, there were rainbows.
Father-daughter dances always make me cry, always.  But watching these little girls watch Rachel dance with her dad made it hard to focus the camera knowing they would soon be dreaming of the day they get to dance with their dads at their own weddings.  And these little girls are so very blessed to have incredible fathers, I know that because they are incredible brothers to me and husbands to my sisters.
 The next part is also a family tradition I don't really have words for, so instead just start humming "It's Raining Men," and you'll get the gist.
Speaking of family, here are 42 of the Rude family members as well as the Deihl and Iverson families!  Garrett & Rachel are big on family, and it doesn't hurt that they have big families.
I'm working on a blog post telling the story about why rainbows keep showing up at our family gatherings and it is so much bigger than having bad luck with weather.  I'll post it soon, but know that the two rainbows in this photo (the second is just barely visable) represent our family's past, present and future hope.
After the storm and the rainbows came the light.  Even though it was still raining, Rachel & Garrett stepped out into the sunset and took a moment to breathe in the intimacy and enormity of their day,
Rachel & Garrett, thank you for bringing me along on these steps of your journey.  I am humbled and happy to be a part of your family and truly honored to be one of your many friends.  I am excited to know what the future holds for you two!

Thanks again to Cortney Laurenn Photography for some excellent second shooting and for everyone at Coteau des Prairies Lodge for being truly hospitable.

Rachel got to do two first looks on her wedding day, the first was with the man who held her hand growing up, the second was with the man who will hold her hand going forward.  They were both epically sob-worthy.
These two chose to read letters they had written to each other before their first look, which was amazing.  However, getting Garrett down to the knoll where they were going to see each other for the first time while blindfolded was a serious trust exercise.  Well done, Katie, good job leading him down!
Garrett surprised Rachel by writing her a song and it was a beautiful tribute to the hopes for their future and the gift of every moment together.  It started like this:
So there you have it, part one.  This is a love song whose chorus just began.  I hope it's stuck in your head until tomorrow because the next verses are just as stunning.  Here's a little sneak peak of part two:

 A big shout out to Cortney Wall of Cortney Laurenn Photography for stepping in as my second and getting some seriously epic shots.