The personification of failure and the embodiment of grace

May 13, 2011

"Failure is an event, never a person." - William D. Brown

Today I disagree.

Yesterday I found out that I did not get the most recent job I had interviewed for and was told I was the only one who had applied qualified enough for it. And the rejections are beginning to weigh on my spirit. Until now quotes about failure could generally lift my soul and conjure a smile, a knowing look or a hug of thanksgiving. Even yesterday when the call came in I was jubilant in the pursuit of the new thing God was doing, thankful for those praying for me and supportive of me. I think my smile and confidence took my husband aback as the crushing reality of what me not having a job really means came back to him with an unrelenting vengeance. I was, until this morning, unphased by my most recent rejection. I ate lunch with a great friend, talked to my family, enjoyed the sunshine, made a good dinner and spent the night with my husband and a glass of wine.

Then the sun rose on today, doing its best not to surrender to the clouds, peeking in my window, reminding me there is much more to do now and the seemingly epidemic scripts of inadequacy begin to play again. Here today I feel like a failure, that no amount of "falling seven times, getting up eight" will either cheer me or apply to me ever again. But here is where being my mother's daughter serves me well.

Despite the tears flowing faster than my morning coffee I am reminded of the wisdom my mom shared with me often as a child, that I couldn't count as wisdom until much later in life. As a kid Ifelt everything and made decisions purely on the auspices that no power could be greater than the emotions God instilled in me. Thankfully my mom did her best to remind me that my feelings didn't change the state of things overall because the song was never "Jesus love me this I feel." That the days I felt ugly and worthless and friendless and loveless didn't define me as any of those things, because she knew those weren't true. She loved (and loves) me more than I will ever know and thank God, that does not change.

Today I feel like a failure and know that I am better than that. I am loved by people who embody grace and hope and peace and forgiveness and encouragement. No one I know portrays those qualities better than my family, especially my husband, who is both gracious and goading, encouraging me forward in love every day. Because whenever I fall, 7 times, 50, 100, 1,000 he is always the hand to pick me up when I've come undone.

Today I feel sad, hurt and a lot like giving up. Today I know that I am loved, that there hope and that no amount self-doubt will ever eclipse the grace imparted and embodied by those around me.

Thank you mom. Thank you Noah. Thank you family. Thank you friends

The search continues.... I feel like another cup of coffee is in order. ;)

P.S.  Does anyone need a photographer ;)

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  1. Your loved today. And tomorrow. And for as long as our God rules this world; which I'm betting is forever, no matter what anyone or anything else says.

  2. You are SO awesome! And I mean off-the-charts awesome! And I am SO lucky that you have stepped into my life! And...we have a birthday coming up! yippee-i-o-ki-ay!!


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